The next best thing… (Extra long Post)

You all know who my numero uno is, I’m not quite sure he knows who I am but never the less Brody Jenner has my Heart (batting my eyes while gazing into the stars); Well I have a confession to make (cover your ears Brody, or stop reading my blog for a moment) while at work a co-worker and myself decide we were going to head on over to the Yard House and catch the end of the Dodgers vs. Philly game (we won that game) after being there for about an hour a few other friends join the Happy Hour, we requested a booth as we have now out grown our lil bar table. To my surprise and I mean SURPRISE!!! Kobe Bryant who was at the actual Dodger game shows up to the YH for din din… ummm hello I’m F*cken Flipping out over this; you’ve seen the photo where I think I’m Vanessa Bryant, well guess what here’s my big chance (In my mind) I could be the next Mrs. Bryant... and I promise I wont make the maid touch poop I SWEAR! Anyways our lil buzzer goes off, we are ready to be seated, well well well can you believe this shit we are seated ONE booth away from Mr. Bryant and I swear I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to handle myself… I had the worst case of STAR STRUCK, it was so bad that I could swear I was getting whiplash from turning back to see him hahahaha! So we’re ordering drinks and I have to tinkle as usual my bladder sucks, so off to the ladies room I go, when I exit the bathroom a gentleman with Kobe’s entourage approaches me and would like ME to introduce myself to Kobe…. OMG my response… my stupid response “I don’t want to disturb him while he eats…” WTF why would I say that… the whole time I imagined myself jumping on him and I get a chance to meet him and that’s what I say!!!! Someone should have slapped me!!! Anyways I make it back to my booth and am crushed that I have let another chance at fame go by… (Crying LOUD)! Kobe eventually finishes his meal and gets up to leave, the look on my face was priceless, I’m glowing at the sight of him, pure enchantment… as he walks by he stops at my table, shakes my hand while introducing himself J J J J did I respond…? well I was in such a state of shock I don’t know, did I hook up the Lakers tickets….? Nope, did I get the digits…? Nope, what did I do??? I don’t remember! So the moral of this story boys and girls, “A diamond in the rough is just that…” I’ve had more than a few shots at the celebrity thing but it’s just not meant to be even when The Next Best Thing (Kobe) is in your face.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge Thailand…

I am obviously a fanatic of reality TV especially anything MTV. Well on this seasons challenge they gave me what I love most… A real cat fight… yes Tanya the “LOCA HUERA” beat the shit out of the “VIEJA” Veronica and it was excellente! Cant wait, the best is yet to come.

Not Quite a Cougar but definitely too old to be a Kitty…

Well, it finally happened… I left the 20’s behind and turned (cough cough) everything leading up to that point was horrible! First of all I swear to god that I’m falling apart… one week before my Birthday I threw my back out merely lifting my light lil baby, My memory is that of a 90 year old and sweet baby Jesus I cant hang when I drink anymore… I need a day to recoup and another to recoup from recouping which means out of a whole weekend I get 1 day to drink and the rest is to be trapped in a dark room looking like a dead person choking down 7up and aspirin, so sad! Anyways, my next complaint is throwing your OWN party, not recommended actually let this be a WARNING, if you want your hair to fall out, your marriage to end and go broke then this is just the thing for you. Throwing a party is over rated and to be honest I used to get great pleasure having parties… that’s till I met the she devil (ME) I was so damn bossy and picky I couldn’t even stand taking orders from myself. The best thing about that party was it ending… oh and the way it ended Classic Christina “Woke up in Pico, in a RV, in my birthday suit” funniest part NO BIRTHDAY S*X (shaking my head).

Cheers to being 30, not looking forward to the next round 40!

For the LOVE OF RAY J… No way please someone tell me it isn’t so????

mgid:uma:videolist:vh1.com:1624839

He is my favorite man whore, I will never forget getting approached to be a contestant on his show, and unfortunately I didn’t take the offer but really regret it… That would have been my chance to meet my all time favorite Reality Girl DANGER “tiger face”!

Real Housewives OC COMING SOON

I’m a happy girl, TV is my second love… actually third… Kettle One, Brody Jenner then Reality TV!

BRAVO'S DESCRIPTION:

It's been seven months since we last saw The Real Housewives of Orange County, if you don't include "The Lost Footage" episode which aired in June. And it looks like we still have about three months of waiting to endure before Bravo's original Real Housewives franchise returns to our small screens.The wait might be all worth it though, if you're a fan of steamy suburban drama. Season 5, which kicks off on Thursday, November 5 at 10pm ET/PT, will welcome newcomer Alexis Bellino, a 32-year-old stay-at-home mom with a body that conceals that fact that she is already a mother of three small children. On the other hand, the new season will also be bidding farewell to longtime housewife Jeana Keough.In between the arrival of Alexis and the departure of Jeana, Tamra Barney, Lynne Curtin, Vicki Gunvalson and Gretchen Rossi get viewers up to speed with everything that's happened in their lives since the fourth season. Vicki's life insurance empire seems to be thriving, Tamra is coping with family and financial concerns, Lynne is also facing financial issues and a possible eviction from her home and Gretchen is in the aftermath of the devastating loss of her fiance, Jeff, and does her best to move on both professionally and personally, with a surprising new love interest.But it's not all financial woes and heartbreaks this season on The Real Housewives of Orange County. More than ever, these Southern girls are eager to prove their tenacity as they continue to live life unabashedly large amidst the tough economy. Watch out for Vicki as she takes her family on a trip to Italy while the girls visit San Francisco and Ft. Lauderdale for lavish getaways. It looks like the ladies are showing no signs of slowing down as we witness more shopping, drinking, partying and plastic surgery makeovers.

Better Luck Next Year!

After a year of going to the games, watching the games and being ONE TERRIBLE poor sport, I watched as they choked at the end… No Matter What I am very proud of how far they went and I can taste it for next year.

Ariba Ariba...

My fourth of July Holiday was excellent… originally the plans were geared towards 116 degree river weather, to be surrounded by a bunch of hot 20 yr olds and guys with egos as big as Burro Balls, that changed and we headed south of the border for some Mexican beers, tequila and illegal-LEGAL fireworks!!! So we hit the road fairly early 6:00 am only 2 hours past out original time of 4:00 am, we were already on Mexican time. Ady rode with me because she is fluent in espanol and we all know my bilingual skills ain't up to par… adonde esta el banyo and quanto esas… oh and my new favorite word Piglota (thanks lizzy) so we hit the road then all of a sudden KABOOM (no fuckers I didn’t hit anyone or thing) Ricardo’s truck breaks down not even 30 mins into our trip, lucky for us he’s a mister fix it because if that were mine and Sean’s truck we would have been stuck waiting for AAA or worse just plain stuck! So back on the road again and this time we have no problems other then Ricardo swerving like a maniac and me right behind him like a drunken old lady we hit the border, OH shit what a mess, I was already nervous about crossing and with everyone telling me all the horror stories, the only thing I could think of was someone was going to abduct me and steal my body parts… Thanks Stacie (giving you the evil eye while flipping my hair) That border was packed and apparently everyone wanted to cut right in front of me… there was only one problem I practically glued the grille of my car into the back of Adys trailer due to sheer fear of abduction, FUCK off people no one is cutting me off no one… Many of the other drivers were calling me names but I kept it moving and just looked straight ahead as if I heard nothing, I even bumped a lil Cevraditas to fit in a lil, once we pass through and I hit a green light we hauled ass to the resort, what a beautiful place, beach front, lil bar and a pool for a cool dip… PERFECTO! We unpack that RV like bats out of hell, first things first, Margarita por favor (grinning from ear to ear) That day we decided to ride the quads, now if I remember correctly we had had lots of beer, like three margaritas and a few kettle tonics and a maybe a shot or two… you get the point, I’m laying out while Ady goes for a ride when all of a sudden I see a poof of sand and Ricardo run across the beach… what could it be….. Ady rolled her quad and exposed her fun bags to the resort, it was truly hilarious and absolutely gives DRINKING AND DRIVING new meaning (cheers bitches) BTW she survived! This was not quite a good weekend for Ady because not a few hours later we head out to Ricardo’s uncles gorgeous beach front home, and think what a great idea to ride the quads and look at the homes… well Ady starts her engine and hits the gas BOOM slams right into the back of a parked truck… LMAO it was slow motion NOOOOO hit the BREAAKKS…. BOOOOM! She apparently thought she had it in reverse, but no she didn’t… once again drinking and driving not good for all! That night was full of fun stuff, we were gonna go out but thought of a much better plan, night quading… OMG that is a blast! Adriana’s relatives stop by our camp and light a bon fire and blast the music then decide to take Ricardo aka Michael Jackson for a ride, he hops on the back of ADY’s bike LOL hahaha and we take off, we’re riding along the water when I look back and notice someone lying on the sand, I turn around and Ady is Hollering "get up this is all your fault"… "why didn’t you hold on" hahahaha Michael is says "wait I'm all wet I cant get up" LMAO then Ady says "get up Ricardo"… I’m like you almost killed him *BUSTING up laughing* That was the best mini trip I have ever taken… we drank and crashed, almost killed someone and ate the best food… I like Havasu, but I’m happy about our decision to cross the border!

In-patiently waiting…

Love them and I can’t wait for the new show… I just know these who ha’s are gonna make me happy with reality TV again!

MJ’s Memorial

Wow, I was truly touched and completely heartbroken watching the day unfold, surreal most of the week, but the day of it was really sad. His daughter Paris totally showed the world that despite MJ’s odd exterior he was a good father and no matter how much money he had or didn’t have he made his kids happy and at the end of it all that’s what matters.

NOOOOOOOO

Will it be another crappy show like "A Shot at Love with Aubrey O'Day”???? How about take a shot at AO… bull’s-eye to the titties!
Okay. So, what will O'Day's series be about?
"It's a docu-soap about the skank taking the stage again and of her crack life... The show is going to be ridiculous. You can almost bet she’s going to be singing, dancing and acting (gagg me)."And nudity” I have no doubt, lots and lots of nudity.Calgon take me away already…………………………………..

Me and Kobe at The LAKER PARADE (EXTRA long post)

Well as most of you know when I drink… I can be either 1 of 2 things Funny and FUN as hell or spitting fire and attempting to jump out of moving cars, possible even jumping in front of moving cars, I think I get that from my Grandma but I’m not sure anyways I am a Crazy Bitch! This Story not like Vegas as that was a weekend event this just a day… ½ of a day to be exact. So the Lakers win the Championships we get another ring and yours truly is ecstatic… I’M GOING TO ANOTHER LAKER PARADE (FUCK YEAH)..... I wake up my posse… ewww cochinos POSSE not Pussy although that was up as well… at the crack of dawn 4 am, not a true die hard because apparently people were there the night before (rolling my eyes with jealousy) so we leave the house about 5 (Sean and I) head straight to Azusa 13 and snatch up Rach and keep it moving towards the coliseum… oh shit you should have seen the Lakers fans on the road we are talking hooptie after hooptie with 10 flags a piece and 10 persons piled in one civic hatch back you get the drift…. WE ARRRRRRIIIVVVEE and guess what I have to pee just before parking so my dear ol' hubby hopps in the driver seat while Rach and I head for a toilet NO LINE “YES” I finish the business and call Sean where did you park the car which lot, his response “I didn’t have enough $ to pay so I had to get out of the (3mile long line) to get cash from an Arco WTF! Moving on we park finally… we unload the car hibachi grill and all and start pounding the drinks, not 10 mins later I got to pee again (bladder of an 80yr old) so Rach and I once again head towards the same toilet the line RIDICULOUS… the street peepeeier begins, I’m literally squatting everywhere, helicopters above have probably seen my goodies and broadcasted that shit everywhere… Rach on the other hand didn’t pee once, that concerns me or makes me jealous I’m still not sure how I feel about that to this day! As the line starts moving for the coliseum we as a group have decided that though we are here for a Lakers parade Beer and Vodka are more important so we will attempt to enter and found out very quickly being drunk is much more fun on the streets of Compton, we end up watching the Lakers drive by on double Decker buses from a street that I have very lil recollection of being on… but I have pictures to prove my presence. After me and Rach, Sean, Rich, Mark and another guy that for the life of me I cant remember were done watching the parade we some how split up I ended up on the other side of the coliseum lost, hopping a wall, getting stuck up there then jumping off helping other chicks by letting them use my shoulders to get over the wall… to make a long story short I have a bruise as dark as plum and as large as an cantaloupe on my ass; Now that I have officially become a member of Compton’s finest I find my way back to my car… no keys no restrooms but a bag on my shoulder filled with beer I drink and wait, then I see my Rach being escorted back to my car by a clan of Samoans… trickling in right behind her is Sean then the rest follow him… That was insane and although most would be embarrassed to write, talk or admit this happened to them I absolutely love it and am impressed with myself, not being an alcoholic but I am a physical beast people hopping walls with chanclas on… come on that’s incredible and to top it off Rach was right behind me most of the time! There is so much more like the DRIVE HOME, it’s a blur but I do remember hitting a curb at King Taco where my car was stuck, ending up at Rach’s leaving Sean in the HOT car asleep while we continue with a bottle of champagne…. Good god my 20’s going down with a bang!

Hate for the Workplace… (Personal Post)

So it’s been awhile and I thought it was time to share with my friends just how awful working is for me…. I could give examples and scenarios and NAMES of things that have taken place but then I would have a blog the length of Mississippi…….! So I will share it this way:

1. FAT STUMPY CHINA MEN SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN THE WORK PLACE LET ALONE THE US!!!!

2. CUBICLES ARE RIDICULOUS…. I LISTEN AND SEE SHIT THAT THERE IS NO NEED FOR…. THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH PARTITIONS AND THEY ARE NOT SOUND PROOF WHO INVENTED THESE???? ALL SIGNS POINT TO THE CHINA MAN!

3. THERE ARE RESTROOMS ON EACH FLOOR SO WHY IS IT THAT OTHER FLOOR'S FEEL THE NEED TO ABUSE THE RESTROOM THAT I MUST USE?????

4. HOW DO THE SENIOR LEVEL STAFF BECOME SENIOR AND THEN HIRE MORE IDIOTS LIKE THEM????

5. FEET DRAGGERS SHOULD GET FEET DRAGGING ROAD BURN SO THEY COULD FEEL HOW ANNOYING IT SOUNDS????

6. WHY IS IT FAIR THAT I MUST WORK 8 HOURS AND THE GUY WHOM IS NOT BEING SUPORVISED ONLY WORKS 5????

7. LUNCH ROOMS… i.e. STENCH BOXES… DISGUSTING SEAFOOD AND STINKY BURNED FOOD CAUSE A HEALTH HAZZARD EVENTUALLY I WILL GO POSTAL OVER THIS…

8. UGLY PEOPLE WITH ONE EYE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO WORK WITH OTHERS THEY SHOULD BE TELEMARKETING SO WE DON’T HAVE TO LOOK…

9. TOILET TERRORS KEEP IT AT HOME… FARTING, POOTING AND PISSING ON THE SEATS ARE REALLY GROSS!

10. PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION THOUGH CONVIENENT CAN ALSO BE CONSIDERED OFFENSIVE AS MY EYES ARE NOT QUITE CUT OUT FOR SOME OF THE NARWLY VIEWS OF HIDIOUSY…

11. ONCE AGAIN FAT STUMPY CHINA MEN WITH NO NECKS SHOULD BE BANNED.

So I know these may not tailor to your working environment but they completely depict the shit I deal with… I don’t wish this on my worst enemy and Conchita I would much rather be tazed and pepper sprayed then come here every day.

The Real World Cancun…. Need I say more???

This show looks to be filled with 7 assholes, make it 8 because this asshole (pointing at myself) plans to NOT miss one episode. I love the mixture of chocolates and even more fascinated by the location… ummm hello VIVA MEXICO!

Can’t wait for the Violence, Sex and SCANDLE I am almost as happy as I used to be when the HILLS was coming back but not as excited as ANY of the REAL HOUSEWIVES!

Real SAPRANOS OF NEW JOWYSEY… my slang version!

Fucking awesome HIGH FIVES, WHOOO HOOS and ASS SLAPS, what a great show this was, I mean the Bravo channel is living up to all my expectations… from the table throwing and the plastic surgery all the way down to the Prostitution, Stripping and the 19 Engagements (Cop without a Gun) got to get my hands on that book. I love how Dina the Dino‘s husband never showed up for 1 episode, he was almost as absent as Teresa the Monkeys 2head! My favorite was and I quote “Let me tell you a something about my family we’s as thick as thieves” hmmm what did that mean exactly?

LUVED IT can’t wait till ATL, OC and NY to come back!

Perez ATTACKED

Oh shit that’s it no one messes with my Gay Hero NO ONE... I did have 1? though why did he call Will I Am a Faggot, I mean Perez come on like really a Faggot… Could he be?

Apologies are in order…

I have neglected you and I’m sorry, I know only like 3 of you care about my blog and too you I apologize!

Personal Post

My new Toy... a pink Tazer!

I am a LIAR and a damn good one, not only can I give one hell of a bullshit story but at times I believe my own bullshit. I have become a Security guard, a Psychologist, a Sports Physician, A Deputy Sheriff and I even told someone I was an Electrical Engineer, now I know what you all are thinking but the truth is I am considering one of these fields and a close friend of mine recommended I take a trip to the Philippines and buy my degree. At this stage in my life what harm could it do, my only concern is that I don’t speak Tagala (well I do speak all the bad words like Balahura and Puneta) but I could bullshit my way out of that by simply saying that I had an interpreter the whole time, and that is how I learned the field. Anyways I have to think of something and I’m not sure I can cut the mustard in the Sheriffs Academy… the one and only problem is the Lie Detector Test… could I bullshit my way through that, possibly, but shit I’m getting a lil old and my joints ain't what they used to be so maybe the concern is actually in the physical testing they do…. Maybe I could go to the Philippines and by a Badge? Either way I need to do something and quick, any ideas?

UGLina vs. JayHO

And the gloves are off… WOW, I would personally like to have a shot at whooping those bitches asses my damn self. I’m a lil confused as to what my Bromance sees in these 2 fuglys, other than the obvious fake chi chi’s and boney build I don’t see the attraction… So on Monday’s episode of the Hills UGLina breaks that friendship commandment by dropping her drawers and sharing her STINKBOX with my Boyfriend… Jayho was pretty upset as any girlfriend should be…that’s why I’m upset, hurt and completely heartbroken #1 Bromance is mine or at least my imagination thinks so and #2 LC is supposed to be her homie #3 Stephanie Albino Pratt instigated this whole situation, this is just so annoying and this love triangle just might be more confusing than the Spiedi vs. Stacy thing………………………see below post for my new BFF Stacy

BFF’s

I love this bartending Bitch… she is my SLUT hero, be my friend STACY PLEEEEAAAASSSEEE!

Glen Ivy

My new favorite place… WAIT Obviously 2nd favorite place…. 1st place is still the BAR (Tequila Hopps) Where the Vodka has a never ending flow!

Loly Pop Licker finally reached the center of her tootsie Pop

"Sianara" Plastic Surgery Black Barbie… eeek you officially scurred me, is that a weeny poppin out the NoNo spot?

Will the Real Kelly Rippa Bellybutton please stand up…

Geez lady your belly needs an INNY, this is just sick stop having babies because your body is knarly!

WHORE

What a joke this bitch is, seriously what is the purpose of her on this show? When I get my badge she will be first on my list to smack over the head with my Baton, I might even shoot her with my Bean Bag Pellet Gun! WHOOP WHOOP we have an Eating Disorder Stick Figure on the prowl… she is an offender of the NERVES, particularly MINE!

FYI: Isn’t this photo and the below article the BEST… finally someone is speaking my language… fucking excellent! Let’s all have a moment of silence for her poor chichis as they are desperately trying to leave that bitches chest.

These pictures of Kelly Bensimon's seizure victim titty's are from September '08, but when I saw them on Best Week Ever and B-Side Blog, I had to share them with you. I know that after you listen to Kelly's sandpaper-on-a-chalkboard voice scream "highly inappropriate" a million times on The Real Housewives of New York, you take an old gym bag into the corner and quietly kick at it while pretending it's Kelly's face. You're not alone in that feeling, because her chichis feel the same. Look at them. They obviously put in a request for a transfer and bitches aren't doing shit until it comes through! They just can't work together. The left one hates the right one and they both hate Kelly's rotten apricot face.

It probably takes 2 body builders and a crane to put a bra on that chest. When they finally get a bra on her, it only holds for a quick minute before it snaps off and goes flying through the room. Those boobies do not want to be contained. They want off that bitch! Move this island!

RAY J AND COCKtail still together?

Well from what I can gather…. Joanna Hernandez aka COCKtail is hanging on to those dark chocolate Nutz. She might have hit the lotto with this one or at least the Reality TV lotto… I don’t think this will last long, I don’t think she will last long, he is a PIG and she is in this for exposure… Go girl, you boned this man on TV and for Fucks sake you deserve it “literally” get your name on that XXX billboard!

FYI: Reunion is a GO :) I saw the photoshoot online, this is gonna be GOOOOD!

MONICA LEON AKA DANGER…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DChBn25OIvQ
Check it out...

She is NOT preggers (damn) and in fact is set to marry Gabriel Cannon… the brother of Nick Cannon. This psycho Bitch had me excited for nothing… After finding out in the attached interview that this Ho was a Prostitute I could only hope she might have passed on some gifts to our lil Ray J in the form of Genital Warts or a severe herpes outbreak maybe a lil crab infestation. "Oh well" this bitch snagged another sucker so I’m quite sure she will give us something else to look forward to … maybe a hooker show!

UGLINA IS STICKING TO THE CODE OF FRIENDSHIP HONOR…

After this past week’s episode of The Hills… I was in a funk, a horrible funk. I just couldn’t believe that my LC gave the go to that skank bitch Uglina and my Bromance Brody… I mean, why would Brody want to bounce up on it with a skank whose teeth are practically coming out of her nose. I just couldn’t focus on any other part of the show. I hate Uglina even if what she says in this article is true.

TAGGERS… (Personal Post)

So as if shit isn’t already bad enough for me… Financially, emotionally and now the Job is on the line, some Pieces of dog shit tag my white picket fence at home. Can you believe that, what assholes…? I mean I understand that I don’t reside in the nicest of areas but TAGGING ON Houses and fences (you have got to be kidding me) I am so Pissed off about this that I’m considering sleeping in my garage with my BB Gun and catching some punk kid off guard by shooting him in the ass or NUTS and I’m not kidding! What DICK HEADS!

Farewell Oscar De La Homo

As Oscar’s Girlfriend I would like to say, I’m thankful he will no longer be boxing, his beautiful Face is spared and I won’t have to endure another Fight Party at my Home where I go on a rampage against all the haters (I have lost friends over this)! Who knows what’s next for him, maybe he’ll take up pole dancing… he obviously loves fishnets and thongs and with the economy that job would be recession proof, Hell I’d tip him SMILING!
BTW… Is he getting old or what, he looked like shit today during is retirement ceremony and Back of Bitches I don’t mind a Mann who cry’s like a Bitch!

Waste of 30 minutes!

I HATE Stephanie PRATT; how about when she calls Stacie (the Bartender) a Home wrecker… Where in the fuck is the home and where is the wife, the more appropriate thing to have done would have been to grab that skank bitch by the hair and have had a full fledge girl fight up in HWOOD… YOU ARE A PUSSY HEIDI; OMG What a crock of shit this weeks Hills was… I mean come on this is not the Speidi Show its The Hills and I personally can’t handle another episode where Albino Bitch Boy and Plastic Surgery Barbie are fighting, what a Joke!

Note to LC:

Stop helping that freeloading Cunt Stephanie… she is useless in everyway as a matter of fact I hope she comes out with a purse line… I will Protest with Picket Signs.

P.I.G and his Pent House Pet…

What a rip… I can’t believe this Hog picked that Ho. I totally get that there weren’t many choices but for Fuck Sake did he have to pick the chick with horrific eyebrows… it seems to me either she is smoking some good shit or she is blind, because she continues to have 1 hell of a problem drawing two even brows, and who in there right mind would want to date Bret Michaels?!? He is the epitome of 80’s and he refuses to leave… no man should wear hair extensions or get lip injections and Cutting the sleeves of t-shirts was never a fashion DO it has always been a DON’T… So I guess the bottom line is these two K-9’s, Mongrel’s, Fido or Mutt’s (what ever they are) deserve each other!

The Hills and the CUNT!

Where do I start…?
I guess I should start off by thanking those of you who came to my Premiere party on Monday, I had a great time and the food wasn’t bad either.
MOVING ON, I’m not sure if I was prepared for all the Juicy shit that happened on episode 1 of Season 5… I mean I knew I would love it but mostly because I feel like I’m part of the cast; It starts off with UGLina and Lo putting together a surprise party for my LC and it’s going to be on a yacht… when LC arrives to her party and everyone screams SSSUUUPPPRRRIISSE I thought my poor Homie shit her self… she took a step back and was looking like she was gonna have a heart attack or get out her peper spray and take some Fuckers OUT! If having the shit scarred out of you isn’t bad enough….. Plastic Surgery Barbie walks in uninvited (she's pathetic). The best part of this party was when Stephanie conveniently tells Plastic Surgery Barbie that her Flesh Tone Mann is a flirting with the Bartender, this sends Barbie into complete hysterics, she Ruins the party by making LC cry and then wants to be let off the ship… on the other end Mr. Flesh tone sucker punches Cameron then uses his Face as as a human punching bag, people can say what they want about Speidi… truth is I hate him but after he kicks the dookie out of that pussy Cameron, I feel the need to thank him for bringing the violence to The Hills… all we need now is a Girl fight, I nominate Brody’s new Skank of the week to take down UGLina! I also can NOT believe that Spencer has lunch with Brody, what a fucken joke and how about Stephanie straight up lieing… I am going to send a letter to the city of Malibu where the Pratt’s originated from telling them what a crime it was to allow the births of such creatures; I wonder if there is law that allows deportation from city to city, I’m almost positive Hollywood would agree in shipping those albino's back.

From the looks of the upcoming episodes I’m going to need to stock up on Patron and Kettle, I will also need some blood pressure medication…

Things we learned and key notes:

1. Stephanie Pratt is an Instigator
2. UGLina has big ears
3. LC needs waterproof mascara
4. UGLina has Big teeth
5. Plastic Surgery Barbie is shameless
6. UGLina needs lip injections to even out her big teeth
7. Plastic Surgery Barbie gives good gifts
8. UGLina is a Whore
9. Flesh Tone has a mean Right Hook
10. UGLina has 2 lazy eyes

TONIGHT… The Duel 2

Bitch fights, gay love triangles and a numerous amount of people I hate coming to this seasons RR/RW DUEL 2. I would personally like stick an elephant dick in the big mouth of Eating Disorder Paula, and then I would like to see Shauvon get a serious case of Vaginal Herpes and have to leave early… In some better news about the show, My fellow Alchyyy Ruthie is back along with the ever so Psychotic Brooke and don’t forget about our regulars… The Poor Bitches who never win Aneesa, Robin and Katie, not only do they never win but they also never get laid “sad” as for boys… sorry to disappoint but the cast is rather Homofucksual, if they’re not already out of the closet then there still stuck in the closet.Can’t wait for tonight!

Housewhores of New Jersey… Soprano Style

Big Hair, Big Mouths and Big Dicks… that sums it up, they all look like Cross Dressing Drag Queens.

Why God?

I don’t think it is fair for anyone to have to look at this Hot Mess let alone listen to her speak in EBONICS, I mean can someone please let her know that she is whiter then a loaf of fluffy Wonder bread... Another thing wrong with this Picture is her baby daddy Tyson Beckford, Good Lord what it the hell was he smoking when he bounced up on her. Why God WHY, would Shanikwa want another baby from this dead beat dad, this desperate Oreo needs an intervention ASAP.

New Look... Adrienne Kardashian!

She looks great, I love the dark hair.... hmmmm she starting to look like a Kardashian!

Me & the Girls!

I can hardly wait for the Premiere this Monday... In fact after talking to LC last night we are both confused on what to wear... I told her how gorgeous she looks in Bohemian floor length dresses and she told me to keep it sexy!

I have officially lost my mind and I don't want to hear a single word from my 3 loyal readers... I swear bitches let my imagination be alone and run free...

Perez Hilton… My Gay HERO!

Mr. Hilton hosted the BGC Reunion. It was the best hosting job I’ve ever seen, he said shit I’ve been thinking about all season. He told the ugly bitch Ashley how he was thankful that she finally fixed her fucked up Chola Eyebrows, He asked Sarah what it was like to be a WHORE (hilarious) then he started throwing Gummy Bears at the Amber Show… There was plenty of shit talking, name calling and I’m from BOSTON, COMTON and WASHINGTON???? (Washington??? LOL)

Then it happened, The Psycho Path (Ailea) took the stage, Perez Hilton greeted her with “THE CRAZY BITCH of the house, have you visited any psyche wards lately… you need to be re-evaluated BITCH, you are a sick BITCH”…. I swear he was that ruthless to her the whole show he must have been reading my Blog and my Mind!

It was a great night of tele and I might send my full Direct TV payment in this month just because of it!

HATE HER

I hate this bitch… just as much as highm8nce hates The Cuntess but not as much as I can’t stand Ailea… which I will conveniently complain about on my next post. Anyways this fucken Tweeker Giraffe brought back my need for Patron, I swear I had a rage against the machine moment as she tried to get brave with my Bravo TV BFF Bethany… Oh NO She Di-int, I was praying that my lil Beth would kick this stick figure right between the legs and split this tree in half (oh man, anger management). I really gotta stop talking about this Fucker, my blood pressure just peeked and steam is coming out the ears, yes people I am serious about reality TV, ask Lori about Vegas when we casually tried to discuss Melissa and Too Can Sam (Molly) it got heated.

UGLIna is trying to get with my MANN!!! WTF

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Me and my Mann… Back off Bitches!

YES that is me. Calm down ladies, one day you will be as happy and lucky as I am.

Remembering the MAN BEAST!

Oh thank the heavens this Giant Mann is gone, what a Beast he-man that was…. Poor Brett P.I.G and (I cant believe I would say Poor) but this bitch was starting to freak me out, any minute I thought she was going to unleash the hairy nut sack and show off the Wet Willie! I think Brett P.I.G kept IT around just in case Big John couldn’t protect him from the rest of his Crack Head Barbie Fan club!

DICK Sucker

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This BITCH is really CRAZY….. REALLY

I luv her more and more each week… I am proud that she trapped this loser douche bag and luv how she wants to kill those skanks she rooms with!

Note to Danger:

Please be my friend you LOCA, we would make a great team!

CANDY WHORES… DID U KNOW?

Did you know this ugly Dark Chocolate Bitch had a baby from this famous Football player, Now I get why she actually made it in the modeling business… there is NO way any one would hire her if it wasn’t for her famous baby daddy, this Bitch has teeth and gums like Mr. Ed the horse and her mane is starting to resemble him too…. Wait is it him?

The Mayer in VEGAS! (Long Post)

So this weekend was my trip to Vegas (smiling) and I had a F*ucken Fabulous time… I partied like a Rock Star and have not fully recovered. The Friday we headed out got off to a slow start, the girls and I apparently over packed… we each had the biggest F*cken 3 weeks Vacation bag for a 2 night stay and I only rented a Jetta… LOL we piled our luggage in the trunk and hit the road we were there in 3 hrs… “Now” I’m not sure what the Hell is in the desert air but what ever it is those Bird size bugs committed suicide on my windshield the whole trip, we are talking Florescent yellow and green splatter all over… it was both sick and scary at the same time! We finally arrive and check into our BEAUTIFUL ROOM at the Venetian (Thanks Ness) if it were up to me we would have stayed at the nearest and cheapest extended stay chain or possibly worse Circus Circus LOL; anyways we checked in and immediately hit the mini bar in our room… it was a blur pretty much the rest of the weekend, we honestly drank our livers into a complete comma, my stomach stopped digesting food and looked as if I was 6 months pregnant the rest of the trip.

After a full night of parting some of us more than others (Lorena) needed to be dropped off at the room, we (me and Darla) slip into our running pants which apparently were PJ’s, Ness would not be seen with us, so Ness headed off to the 100 dollar poker tables while Darla and I decide to take a trip to the King’s fav casino, that is located in downtown lv, I’m not sure how many of you have been downtown but at 4 in the morning it’s a lil Rough, we ended up at the PLAZA hotel where we met a few friends at the bar and can I just say I thought my Nasty mouth was bad and then I met Nida, she was a Filipino, 3ft women with the mouth of a Sailor, she used words like “I Don’t Give A PUCK” and “You don’t have a bik DICK” it was great entertainment we stayed for about an hour and caught a cab back, the driver was from Ethiopia, I was explaining to him about how I couldn’t eat meat all day and if he could drop us off at Denny’s for some Buffalo Wings… he then explained to me that in his religion he had to give up SEX Thursdays and Fridays so he could relate to my need for meat… hahahaha I told him to make sure he gets it from his wife on weds and remember technically Friday ended at 12 midnight… he was good to go! We all finally go to sleep at 7:30 am, wake up at 9:30 and start drinking again!

We decided to get ready early and have a good dinner at Wolf Gang Pucks, what a lovely place to bad the waiter was in my opinion smoking dope, our meal was ruined and there is no recommendation to this place EVER save your money and eat Mc D’s like I suggested! The girls and I decided to hit up the new club at Encore called XS, we arrived at about 11:00 and the place was PACKED… we get in and immediately fall in love, this place was the sh*t, the Bottle Service Tables were awesome and the Cabanas were out of control Plus there were so much eye candy I could hardly stand it! After a heavy amount of drinking, shoes breaking and being approached by every old geezer it the spot we leave…. On our way out a woman approaches us and says you girls are invited to a party upstairs in the penthouse…. OKAY and the celebrity hosting this party is newly single, so not wanting to pass up some free drinks and a trip up to the 60th floor of the Encore Hotel we do it, guess who answers the door, Ol’ Skinny Bones himself JOHN MAYER, yes this pig had hair like a mule and the face only a mother could love, I now get why Jen dumped his a$$... we didn’t stay long after I was asked if I’d like to join him in the room for some extra curricular activities… geeeez can a girl get a lil buttering up to first, I just cant hop in the sack without at least knowing half your #, hahaha none of us had enough to drink to take one for the team, next time friends!

The next day Darla and I wake up and Lorena is a goner she to the first flight home like 9 in the morning… God Love her I couldn’t get out of bed that early! We pack our 3 weeks of clothes and Check out… We decide to take a trip to the Stratosphere, I think we hit every bar in the joint before reaching the 108 floor and realized the wind was ridiculously out of control, I nearly lost my weave to that ridiculous storm up there! By the time we made it down we were all a drunken mess… 2 of us missed our flights and the other 2 lets just say were nearly thrown of the plane mid air… LOL with a lost phone, pair of Gucci sunglasses and no ride home we finally reached John Wayne Air port…. Home Sweat Home!

There were so many more funny stories but I’m not sure anyone will read this three page posting, I truly could have made a killing if I video taped the weekend… We had a blast and can’t wait to back!

Personal Post - Stalkers at work

I have a stalker at work... I'd like to refer to him as 1 eyed willie, "Willie" because it looks like he's got a Willie coming out of his wondering eye... seriously he only has one eye functional; Anyways this weird fuck keeps strolling by my Cube and staring at me (with his good eye) He literally stops center aisle and stares... not only is he a freak but he has a group of freaks he hangs out with... i mean this group of characters are amazing one of them is Indian... Slurpee Indian he takes numerous men's room visits and he also likes to stop and chat even if I keep my back to these creeps they still talk; The other is a dark chocolate who always has his cellular size blue tooth stuck to his ear... he thinks he's so cool walking around talking to himself I bet he uses that FAKE A CALL app that all phones now have!

He just walked by again.... LOL I have the most craziest shit happen to me I swear, I could write a book... if The Cuntess could get a book deal I know I could

APRIL 6TH 2009 - PARTY AT MY PAD!

I cant wait... I missed LC!

Love Her - Tiger Face

She deserves her man, this Jerk Off Met his match... she is one crazy bitch and smart she''ll be getting paid for 18 years!

Sayonara Skanks!

Well about F*cken time... Crack head Barbie is a gonner (smiling ear to ear) if you didn't catch Sundays episode of Rock of Love Whore Tour well let me sum it up for you... The Ex's invade and gag me these losers were UGLY, Crack head Barbie (Ashley) has her Baby Daddy or better known as THE UNTOUCHABLE GANGSTER (James) show up... turns out they still live together and "NO ONE CAN PULL HIS PUSSY" Oh, but guess what Bret P.I.G. did....or so he says; Then there was Brittney Star AKA Brittanya, this scary spice reject got a lil crazy with Heather which would have rocked my year had that pussy punch she threw connected... either way she Hawked a man like loogy straight towards Heather, needless to say Bret wasn't impressed and let that chicken fly the coop! As for all the others LAME-O's it was pretty boring except for Big Boy Beverly who just cried that "no one wuvs me no one showed up for me"booo hooo hooo get over it, you are ugly and possibly born a Man go home already!

Hopefully next week is good, I can't see it being better then the past three episodes but we'll see!